Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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