half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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