How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
