If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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