I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
