dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
