you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
