I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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