my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
