I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
