So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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