Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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