Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
