Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
