Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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