First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
