Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
At least life still wants to fuck me.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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