I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I said "one day" and that day is not today
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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