how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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