if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
