Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
We named our party play list daddy issues
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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