hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
