TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
