Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
