one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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