my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
My bed is full of blood and feathers
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
