Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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