a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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