oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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