Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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