I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
