We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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