I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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