he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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