If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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