What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Randomize
