Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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