Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
