Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
