We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
it's not cheating when I paid for it
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
