I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
