I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Randomize
