Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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