they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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