sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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