Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
