The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
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