Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
