I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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