I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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